Acknowledge & Accept
We, as humans, are exceptionally gifted when it comes to the portrayal of what the world wants us to be – desirable, acceptable, admirable, enviable. If our truest form contains any qualities that we think do not fall into those categories, we try our best to hide it. But the truth always comes to light. You cannot hide who you are – good or bad. You can change, certainly. You can make those less desirable parts better. I’m not talking about lacking in appearance or even silly qualities such as being humorless. I’m talking about the deep-rooted parts of a person that make or break their experiences, relationships, and even themselves. Qualities like arrogance, dishonesty, jealousy, selfishness, laziness. All things that we are more than capable of changing within.
So, why hide those qualities of yourself instead of just amending them? You see – staying stuck in bad behavior, pain, and even on the other side in unforgiveness is much easier than moving forward and becoming a better individual. It’s even harder because the human brain craves negativity. It naturally focuses more on the bad than the good. Change is hard. Pulling yourself out of those bad behaviors and negative spaces is hard. But old dogs can learn new tricks.
We cling to what’s comfortable, and comfort lies in not moving anywhere we haven’t already been. The ‘What Ifs’ and ‘Buts’ are what gets us stuck. What if I can’t move on? But they wronged me! What if I never forgive them? But they don’t deserve it! What if they hurt me again? But they won’t change!
We then often switch to the rationalizing stage by asking ourselves ‘Why’ – Why should I forgive them? Why should I change? Why did they do this to me? Why is this happening? Rationalizing is a mechanism we use to defend and even protect ourselves. But again, we find ourselves trapped in that pessimistic mindset because no matter how much effort you exert, not everything can be rationalized.
Let’s pause for a moment and consider the bigger scheme of things – People will inevitably reveal their true selves, despite their efforts to conceal it. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. Accept it even. Accepting is not the same as tolerating. You can embrace a person's true essence and not condone the bad parts that they refuse to change.
I’ve been trying to find a play-by-play of forgiveness and moving forward. There isn’t one. However, a common first step in many situations that detrimentally affect our lives includes acknowledgment and acceptance. An addict overcoming addiction must first acknowledge and accept that they are an addict. In overcoming grief, individuals must first acknowledge and accept the loss they've experienced. Before overcoming a fear, one must first acknowledge and accept the fear exists. In order for someone to change for the better, one must first acknowledge and accept that they have bad parts to begin with.
Is forgiveness any different? I don’t think so.
In order to forgive and move on, one must first acknowledge and accept what is, what was, and what will be. What is – the current circumstance and people involved. What was – the experience you went through that brought you here. What will be – the fact that while you cannot change them or what’s already happened, you can change you and your path forward.
One of the most challenging aspects of this journey is realizing that this is for you – not them. Forgiveness and moving forward are for YOU. It frees YOU. Much like those who inflict pain through their bad qualities and resistance to change, your refusal to forgive and move forward is no better. Unforgiveness is a bad quality too. Don’t be like them – pointing out their bad parts – if you can’t fix your own.
Food For Thought
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" Jesus answered, "No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!”
Matthew 18:21-22
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others of their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
